MRS B.             Now then, let’s have a look what we got. Butter, marge, bread, sugar, tomatoes, sweets for the kids – minus one for me (pops one in mouth), they’ll never notice – four eggs, one each; tiny bit of cheese, bacon, and last but not least …… (rummages desperately in bag) ….. ‘ere, where’s my sausages??? 

FRED                Sorry Mrs B, but Mr Bone ran out of sausages this morning, so he put in an extra bit of bacon for you instead. 

MRS B.             Bacon? Bacon’s no good! I can’t serve up bacon ‘n’ mash for our Bert when he gets back from a hard day at the factory, can I? He’ll go berserk! He loves his bangers more than he loves me! When they went on rationing last year it broke his heart. He cried like a baby for three days solid!    

FRED                Sorry Mrs B, but Mr Bone can’t give you what he hasn’t got, can he? 

MRS B.             It’s all right for you, you don’t have to tell him the bad news when he comes in, do you? His little face will drop, his bottom lip will start trembling ….. 

FRED                It can’t be that bad surely, Mrs B? Tell you what, why don’t you give him your egg and do him a nice fry up with the bacon. He’d like that. 

MRS B.             (fiercely)  He’s not having my egg! Nobody touches my egg and lives! (has a thought) Here, I don’t suppose they’ll have any sausages down that Brown Market, will they? 

FRED                      (puzzled)  Brown Market? (realises what she’s on about) Oh, you mean on the black market. Well, funny you should mention it, but I do have a mate who’s got a mate who’s brother’s friendly with the daughter of a butcher down Stratford way. I could try and pull a few strings to get you a couple, I suppose…….for a price. 

MRS B.             How much? 

FRED                    Your Bert’s got an allotment, hasn’t he?   

MRS B.             (suspicious)  What if he has? 

FRED                    What’s he grow on it?   

MRS B.             Oh, spuds, cabbages, carrots, cauliflowers, some green beans, that sort of stuff.  

FRED                Ok, how about three caulies, two cabbages and a bag of green beans? 

MRS B.             What? For a pair of sausages? That’s daylight robbery! 

FRED                Come on Mrs B, just think about poor Bert’s sad little face gazing up at you, that tear rolling down his cheek ….. 

MRS B.             All right, all right, I’ll have them for you next Friday when you come round. But I want them sausages by four o’clock this afternoon. 

FRED                    No problem Mrs B, just you leave it to me.