Remember Macbeth, that monstrous ambitious Scottish bloke in the play? (No? Well go back and read it again then. Unit 33. Come on, chop chop! )  Did you know that actors get very nervous if you call the play ‘Macbeth’? They say it brings bad luck. You have to call it ‘The Scottish Play’. Yes, I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s a superstition that actors have.

Are you superstitious? Do you always put the left leg into your trousers first, holding a rabbit’s foot in your teeth and hopping about to avoid the cracks between the floorboards? Ever asked yourself if it really is lucky to fall flat on your face every morning, rip your trousers and spend ten minutes spitting out rabbit hairs? Thought not.

A mate of mine told me last week that as a boy he never went to the loo between 6 o’clock and 9 o’clock, as that’s when the evil toilet spirits have their dinner, and it’s tremendously bad luck to disturb them when they’re eating. Aha, I thought, that explains:  a)  why he has so few mates, and  b)  that curious smell I  always thought was his after-shave.

Here are my top 12 superstitions:  (I was planning to have 13,  but of course 13’s  an unlucky number ….. isn’t it?)

1.   It’s bad luck to walk under ladder. Think about this one: is it good  luck to step out into the road to avoid walking under the ladder, getting your toes crushed by the Number 15 bus and spending three long weeks eating hospital food??

2.   Having a black cat cross your path is very bad luck. What if you actually own  a black cat? Does it mean your life will be one long disaster unless you play a continuous game of hide and seek, or lock yourself in the bedroom 24/7?

3.   Breaking a mirror brings seven years bad luck. They say it’s cos a mirror is a reflection of your soul. I say it’s cos your dad refuses to give you a penny more spends till you’ve paid for a new mirror. Tight or what?

4.   Hanging a horseshoe over the door brings good luck. But what if you don’t bang the nails in far enough, and it falls on your head? “Oh goody! I’m in Casualty with an enormous lump the size of three boiled eggs on my bonce. Yippee!”

5.   On the subject of boiled eggs, when you finish eating one they say it’s good luck to push your spoon through the bottom of the egg. This lets out the evil spirits (in an egg???) …… as well as the last runny bits you didn’t eat ….. all over your trousers.  Marvellous.   

6.   It’s bad luck to put your left shoe on your right foot. How can that be? Hm, let’s think: you look a complete dope, your mates make fun of you and you fall over. Derr!

7.   It’s bad luck to put a shirt on inside-out. Same as 6, only without the falling over bit.

8.   If a baby doesn’t sneeze before it’s twelve months old, it will grow up to be a fool. Ever watched a baby? They sneeze all the time! If a baby doesn’t sneeze before it’s twelve months old, it’s not a baby, it’s a plastic doll, you wally!

9.   It’s bad luck to pass somebody on the stairs. So how am I supposed to get upstairs? Who do you think I am? Harry Potter???

10.   How about this one: if you put your toe nail clippings in a glass of lemonade, the person who drinks it will fall in love with you. Fabulous! Would you want to spend your life with a person who sticks toe nails in your drinks? Well would you???      

Warning: don’t try this one at the weekend, cos it’s bad luck to cut your nails on a Friday or Saturday …… so they say.

11.   I love this one:  It’s bad luck to mend clothes while you’re actually wearing them. Really? Is that so? “Oh dear, the zip on my trousers has just gone, but I won’t bother taking them off, I’ll just poke about with this ferociously sharp needle!” You’d have to be a total idiot!                      

       12.   It’s good luck if a bird poos on your head.  

            ARE YOU SERIOUS???