CLERK           Would you explain, in your own words, Miss Crunge, what took place in Fleet Walk on Friday afternoon? 

ELSIE             My pleasure, your Majesty. Well, I’d bunked off early, on account it was Friday and I couldn’t be bothered marking books and stuff, and I’d seen this lovely pink handbag in Primark and I thought ‘that’d go nice with my red frock and my new orange jacket,’ so I was just on my way down Fleet Walk and I thought: what you really need, Elsie, is a nice pasty .... cos we’d been down the Snooty Fox at lunchtime and I’d only had pie and chips and a baked spud, so I was getting a bit peckish like ......... anyway, I nipped into Oggy Oggy’s, and I was just getting my gnashers round my pasty when them little monkeys - 

CLERK           I take it you’re referring to the defendants, madam? 

ELSIE             That’s right, them little monkeys over there. The one with the funny nose told me I’d dropped something, the one with the silly hair was dancing round trying to get his hands into my pockets, and the smug-looking bird - 

CLERK           You mean Britney Spears, madam? 

ELSIE             Yeh, that one, she was telling em what to do and shouting at em that they was useless, only she was swearing a lot, very common. Anyway, being a teacher I knows what kids are like, that’s why I always keeps my money hidden down my socks, so I dropped the one with the silly hair with a right to the jaw, smack! caught the funny nose one with a backhander to the chin, boff! and was about to start on Little Miss Smugface when they all scarpered. 

CLERK           Hm. May I ask how long you’ve been a primary school teacher, Miss Crunge? 

ELSIE             Three years, your Excellency. I used to train SAS soldiers in fighting terrorists and torture skills, so when a primary school job came up in Torbay I realised I had the ideal background.