Scene:  the Headteacher’s office of Greenshaw Primary School. Mr Splatt and the school governors are seated in a semi-circle. Facing them is a young lady with a slightly hooked nose and very long, straggly hair, dressed from head to foot in black.

Mr Splatt                    Good morning, Miss .......

Miss Crock                 Crock. Grizelda Crock.

Mr Splatt                    Ah yes, Miss Crock, I have your file here. I hope you found us easily enough?

Miss Crock                 Yes thank you, it wasn’t a problem. I spotted a field with what looked like little white maggots      running around on it, and zoomed straight down.

Mr Splatt                    (confused) I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow you.

Miss Crock                 Oh it’s quite simple. I hovered overhead until I saw the green of the football pitch, buzzed the kids a few times at head height to send them scattering and clear a space, then landed on the centre spot. The PE teacher was furious!

Mr Splatt                    I see. So you came by ......

Miss Crock                 Broomstick.

Mr Splatt                    Broomstick. I see. Wasn’t that a little dangerous?

Miss Crock                  Not at all. It’s the only way to travel in town. No traffic jams or train delays. Just have to keep your eyes peeled for seagulls, especially if they’re above you. That stuff really stands out on a black cloak.

Mr Splatt                    I was thinking of our precious children on the football field.

Miss Crock                  Oh, them! Now I get you! Well obviously I tried to steer clear of them on my final approach, but if they’re daft enough to get in the way, well, not to worry. You’ve got hundreds of the hideous little monsters here anyway, so one or two less wouldn’t make much of a difference, would it?

Mr Splatt                    Quite. (looking through file) Ah, now I’m beginning to understand. I see that your previous job was                                       at Mrs Figg’s Famous School of Witchcraft. Tell me, are you serious about wishing to work at                                       Greenshaw Primary School?

Miss Crock                 Oh yes! I’ve been anxious to get to grips with young kids ever since one of them stuck a banger through my letter box on Bonfire Night five years ago. They’re perfect for trying out my spells on.

Mr Splatt                    I’m not sure that’s what we’re looking for from our teachers, Miss Crock.

Miss Crock                 Nonsense! I read the report on your school on the internet. It said you’ve got some monstrous little horrors that run wild and terrorise the staff. Well they won’t terrorise me, I can tell you that! I know just what to do with them!

Mr Splatt                    I see. And that would be.....?

Miss Crock                 Lock ‘em in the classroom and then simply zap myself with the Mad Dog spell. Turns me from a seemingly mild, cuddly teacher into a giant, ferocious, snarling dog, slavering at the mouth, in the space of just three point seven seconds. Three point four on a good day.

Mr Splatt                    And you feel that this is the answer to our behaviour problems?

Miss Crock                 Well it hasn’t let me down yet. Of course the school would have to change its insurance policy, on account of the deadly bites from my vicious, razor-sharp teeth, but to my mind that’s a small price to pay to get good manners from your kids.

Mr Splatt                    Hm. I’m not sure our parents would agree with you, Miss Crock. Some of them are rather bolshie, you see. You would soon have a line of them at your door to complain.

Miss Crock                 Good! Let ‘em come! It’s a lot harder to complain when you’ve just been turned into a black rat. They tend to think less of complaining and more about staying out of the jaws of my cat, Cruncher.

Mr Splatt                    I’m afraid it’s against Health and Safety to keep a cat in school, Miss Crock.

Miss Crock                 Health and Safety?? If you let me loose with my wand you’ll have children being savaged by a mad dog, sprouting great purple boils all over their body or having their eyes turned into pink marshmallows. And you’re worried about keeping a cat???

Mr Splatt                    I see what you mean. Would you excuse us a moment, Miss Crock?

                                  (Mr Splatt and the governors huddle together for a whispered conversation. There is a lot of nodding,                                      cackling and giggling)

Mr Splatt                    (turning back to Miss Crock with a devious grin on his face)   When can you start?