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2. The fairly grim bit.
As people became a bit more civilised they moved on from human
heads to human skulls - that’s the head without all the skinny
and hairy bits on it. A little less gruesome I admit, though I’m
not convinced you’d get a true bounce on all surfaces, and it’d
probably be more painful on the old tootsies, especially if you
got your big toe stuck in the nose hole.
3. The move to the
non-human option.
As parents began to get fed up with children coming in for
supper minus their head, other possibilities were explored, and
it wasn’t long before animal skulls began to appear in the
window of Ye Ancient Footie Megamarket (Yes, I know they didn’t
have glass in those days - I’m pulling your leg. Derr!).
Elephant and mammoth skulls never really caught on, as the
furthest anybody could kick one was three feet, leading to
pretty tedious, static games and a nationwide epidemic of broken
toes. Sheep were probably most used, due to there being lots of
them and because (unfortunately for them) the size of their
heads conformed exactly with new FIFA regulations. However
things turned ugly during the Great Sheep Shortage of 863, when
some difficult decisions had to be made: “Egbert, it’s your turn
to supply the ball - you’ll have to choose between your kid
sister Sharon or Flossy, the family’s faithful pet labrador.”
[sorry,
I thought you said they were difficult decisions??]
4. The shift away
from heads.
After centuries of bruised feet, some bright spark came up with
the idea that maybe a softer part of an animal’s body might make
life easier for footballers. The first development was probably
a furry skin rolled up into a rough ball shape. A key moment in
the game’s history came when on March 17th 948 ‘Sniffer’
Sigismund the blacksmith’s son scored the first recorded headed
goal.
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Things like the
size of pitch, how many players should be on each side, what
size and shape of ball to use, and how long to play were all
decided by the captains before the start of the game. That
must’ve led to some fascinating negotiations, such as this one
between Isiah Terry and Abe Ferdinand:
Isiah: How
many players have you got today Abe?
Abe:
Twenty-three. You?
Isiah:
Fourteen. Shall we make it 14-a-side then?
Abe: Ok, but
only if we can use our slightly oval-shaped heavy rubber ball.
Isiah: Well, we
normally use a smaller leather one, but I suppose we’ll have to
go along with it. What about the pitch?
Abe: Ah.
Glad you mentioned that. Bit of a problem there. Usually we have
the use of the whole field, but the farmer’s had cows on it all
week, and there’s rather a lot of you-know-what at the far end.
Plus that storm last night has flooded this corner, which could
be a problem for our left winger. He’s only small, see, and he
don’t swim so well. How about two hundred yards long and forty
wide?
Isiah:
Fine. It’s two o’clock now. Shall we knock off around half four?
Abe:
Can we make it four? There’s a train at twenty past and I need
to be back in Manchester by seven. I’ve got tickets for the
opera.
You could generally tell which side a player was on by looking
at the colour of his cap. However, when heading the ball became
more popular caps tended to get in the way, so teams started to
wear similar coloured shirts - usually one team played in blue,
the other in red.
The decision-making was left to two umpires, one from each side,
who roamed the field waving flags. If you thought you’d scored a
goal you could appeal to the umpires (like in cricket) and
they’d wave their flags if they agreed with you. Of course they
were all gentlemen in those days, so they played fair. There
weren’t even any punishments for foul play, as it was expected
that everyone would stick to the rules! Just like today. Why are
you smiling?
There's also a
timeline to guide you through all the major changes from the
1860s to the present day:
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